The world is rapidly changing, and as a result, many things we took for granted are falling by the wayside — some entire industries, an iceberg or ten, your favorite movie premises, etc. Admittedly, “classic film storylines becoming obsolete” isn’t a problem on the same degree as “our grandkids will need protective goggles to go outside.” But person has to tackle this issue, dammit.

5

Meg Ryan’s Indie Bookstore In You’ve Got Mail Would Be In WAY Better Shape Than Tom Hanks’ Megastore

In the prototypical romcom You’ve Got Mail , Meg Ryan plays the owner of an adorable little bookstore that’s literally called “The Shop Around the Corner.”

Warner Bros. Pictures Their best-selling book is a book called Book .

Trouble ensues, nonetheless, when the giant chain Fox& Sons Books opens a competitive place on the Upper West Side, threatening her business. Eventually, the obvious Barnes& Noble/ Borders analog pushes the little store into bankruptcy, expensing the lovable employees their jobs. It’s a pretty standard conflict of a mom-and-pop shop get bullied out of town by a big corporation. Oh, there’s also some material about Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks sexting one another via AOL Messenger or something, but it was clearly the corporate intrigue that threw all those asses in seats.

But Now …

Today, the movie would be about the big store’s employees imploring for work at the little indie shop, or one like it. Or anywhere, really.

Indie bookstores are doing extremely well right now, indicating steady growing over the past decade even as retail trends keep looking grimmer and grimmer. Brick-and-mortar retailers in general is decreasing, but brick-mortar-and-paper? Seven straight years of growing . Meanwhile, Borders totally shut down procedures in 2011, as did their subsidiary for bored mall-goers, Waldenbooks. Of the big chains of old, only Barnes& Noble is still hanging in there , not taking the suggestion. Even as physical books have pulled a vinyl and made a comeback, B& N’s marketings continue to fight. People love books almost as much as they dislike going to Barnes& Noble.

When you think about it, this reversal of fortune attains total sense. Megastores were all about convenience, huge selections, and low prices, but the internet kicked their fools on every single one of those areas. Big bookstores are empty experiences — unlike indie stores, where you can get access to special events, personalized attention, and the occasional contact high.

So basically, if You’ve Got Mail were made today, Meg Ryan’s vibrant store of regulars would be enjoying modest but steady success, while Tom Hanks would be purging employees left and right as his bloated warehouse-style business get crushed by Amazon.

Warner Bros. Pictures This would have been turned into a Walgreens like 11 minutes into the movie.

All the email material would be exactly the same, though.

4

Rent ‘s Ridiculously Generous “Villain” Wants To Make His Friends A Free Million-Dollar Apartment And Open A Cool Studio

The de facto rogue in the stage musical Rent and it’s subsequent movie adaptation is Benny, a landowner who used to be roommates with the main characters, but has since become 1) stupid rich and 2) a dick. Now he plans to renovate their build — which they invest an entire opening monologue ripping on for being dilapidated — into a state-of-the-art multimedia studio with condos on the top. At one point, Benny offers to let his ex-friends stay in their condo for free( as well as foregoing the past year’s rent) if they cancel a devastating demonstration wherein one character makes a bunch of homeless people moo. They say no, plainly .

Benny’s vision is the symbolic obliteration of the characters’ bohemian lifestyle, and taking him up on his offer would represent the their ultimate soul-selling.

But Now …

Oh yeah, did we mention this building happens to be in Manhattan’s East Village, which has been ridiculously gentrified by now? The musical debuted in 1993, but by the time the movie came out in 2005, Mark and Roger’s apartment — a massive loft space at Avenue B and 11 th St ., an improbably prime location — wasn’t exactly “slumming it.”

Columbia Image The cockroaches in this apartment are living more comfortably than you.

The film still took place in the early ‘9 0s, but if you’re watching it in 2005 or subsequently, it’s tough not to at least kinda determine Benny’s side of things. The neighborhood’s gonna get de-bohemian-ized very soon anyway, and Benny is willing to let them bide RENT-FREE in a fully renovated top-floor condo most would kill for. Just since the early 2000 s, median property values in the East Village have risen from about $ 250 k per place to around $1.5 million. Sinister, bohemia-destroying Benny plans to eat $50,000 – $80,000 a year in lost rent( on top of paying a mortgage AND property tax) for a multi-million-dollar apartment, all so he can help his two slacker friends out.

Also, Benny’s devious, anti-artistic scheme is to open a multimedia studio where creatives can “do their work and get paid.” This might’ve seemed like a sterile, gentrification-friendly move at the time, but nowadays, it’d be a WAY more interesting and progressive used only for the space than throwing in another TD Bank or CVS. He craves people like Mark and Roger to continue seeking their artistic passions, in a nicer space, and to help them earn a living doing it. That motherfucker .

If Rent happened here, Benny would be an insanely generous hero who’s swallowing a six-figure loss to help out his friends while building the East Village more hip and artistic. When is his Wicked -style alternate narrative coming out?

3

The Characters In UHF Could Sell Their Station For Hundreds Of Millions Of Dollars And Be Fine

The movie UHF kicks off when Weird Al Yankovic’s uncle wins the deed to a local ultra-high frequency( or, you know, “UHF”) TV station in a poker game. Weird Al takes the almost-bankrupt station over, and against all odds, he and a pre-racist-outburst Michael Richards turn the joint around with some imaginative programming. No, it’s not porn.

But! When Weird Al’s uncle falls into a $75,000 gambling debt, it sets the station in jeopardy of being sold to an evil competitive TV owner. In the end, the cities rallies, holds a fundraiser, and elevates the money simply in time. Phew, close call!

But Now …

That station would be worth — no shit — over $100 million today.

In 2017, wireless carriers bid $ 20 billion to buy out the spectrum used by 175 holdout UHF stations, coming out to about $111 million per station. Only 12 went off the air, too — the remainder simply shifted to lower or shared frequencies, and presumably started doing new depicts about how to maintain your yacht or the best types of caviar. Merely for taking up space , these stations stimulated bank. They didn’t even need runaway-hit depicts about firehose drinking. So yeah, a $75,000 debt( even adjusted for inflation) could be covered with the contents of their limousine’s coin holder.

Now, even though UHF isn’t precisely a gritty documentary about the late-‘8 0s media landscape, a character does accurately mention that it’s illegal for someone to own two stations in the same town. Or at the least, that’s how it was back then. In 1996, the Telecommunications Act stimulated it legal for companies to own multiple channels in the same geographical location — means that today, any number of national megacorporations would be free to bid on the station, making its value to skyrocket.

If UHF happened now, they’d be facing no problems whatsoever — the second they won the station in the poker game, they’d be imminent millionaires. And even if they did somehow incur a ten-figure gambling indebtednes, they’d have numerous non-evil media moguls to sell to. Or, well, ones with less cartoony laughs, anyway. Probably.

2

The Rise Of For-Profit Colleges Turns Accepted Into The Wolf Of Wall Street

In Accepted , Justin Long and his friends make their own fake college to trick their parents after not being accepted into any real ones. Soon, the fake college fills up with hundreds of other rejected students, and they all start attaining up their own fun, goofy courses on whatever the hell they want. At the end of the cinema, they become an accredited university after underlining the fact that the current system is too rigid, and that their incredibly lax method of education is in fact an improvement. Because that’s how education reform works.

But Now …

You know what else promised a certain degree to people who didn’t deserve one, who didn’t do enough to warrant one, and who didn’t was of the view that the present, rigid style of education fit their lifestyle? All those predatory for-profit colleges which are being sued and analyse as their degrees have proved worthless. Yes, shockingly, it turns out that colleges anyone can get into and which don’t teach you anything aren’t immensely respected in the working world.

You could still build the movie today, but it wouldn’t be a lighthearted comedy about a kid helping out some like-minded cronies. It would have to be a dark movie about young con artist preying on desperate, mostly poor people by exploiting their hopes and dreamings. Something like Boiler Room or The Wolf Of Wall Street ( so at the least Jonah Hill can stay ).

And remember the douchey frat son who keeps trying to shut this whole Trump University operation right down? He’d is completely in the right. Hell, they’d likely threw him in charge of the whole Department of Education at the end of the movie.

1

The Subprime Mortgage Crisis Makes It’s A Wonderful Life ‘s Mr. Potter A Prudent Businessman

A huge part of It’s A Wonderful Life is that Mr. Potter, the villainous bank owned, refuses to give loans to anyone who can’t definitively prove they can render them. Meanwhile, kindhearted protagonist George Bailey is willing to help members of his community by making them loans they may are working to repay so that they can live in a nice neighborhood rather than Potter’s slums. After all, what’s the worst who are able to happen?

But Now …

How about a subprime mortgage crisis which destroys millions of jobs and leads to a devastating recession? Had the movie taken place about 60 year later, George Bailey would have ended up being bailed out by the government.

The crisis is a consequence of banks preying on homeowners, making big-ass loans for big-ass homes to people who might not be able pay them back, trusting it was ultimately pay off. They wouldn’t, and it wouldn’t. The massive defaulting and huge number of foreclosures created an economic recession that left a big chunk of America( and even Europe) worse off than before.

Regardless of intention, today George Bailey would be the man who destroyed Bedford Falls by creating a dwelling bubble fated to burst, while Potter would be the prudent tycoon who was unjustly maligned for trying to do the right thing. Hey, maybe that drunken pharmacist who smacked lil’ George around was likewise trying to warn us of something.

As for that ending in which the banker hurls a bunch of fund at the government and never goes to jail … alright, maybe not everything would be different.

Dan Hopper is an editor for Cracked, previously for CollegeHumor and BestWeekEver.tv. He burns off consistent grade-A tweets at @DanHopp .

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