The holiday movie season is almost here, and there’s a lot for everyone to be excited about. Like fright movies? IT and Leatherface got you encompassed. Marvel fan? You’re get a new Thor! Are you age-old and bigoted? Hey, check out the new Death Wish !

But here’s the thing: Those movies have an army of marketing executives marching behind them. But there are WAY MORE, lesser-known moving pictures to get excited came to see you afterwards this year. And so join me on yet another adventure through impending films with little publicity but a huge sum of insanity …

6

The Road Movie — All The Best Wacky Russian Dashboard Videos, Combined

Back before this business with the White House, America used to blithely stereotype Russia as that place with all the tracksuits and awesome Call Of Duty maps. Likewise, as freshly ingrained in our internet culture, the ground of clear booze was cherished for its daredevil position toward basic driving etiquette. This was of course evidenced by the apparently hours’ merit of dashboard camera footage capturing myriad cartoonish hijinks. Remember how I just said “hours’ worth” in the last sentence you read? That’s been literalized. Someone ran and made a movie out of them …

What you’re looking at are mere bits from the awesome trailer for The Road Movie , a soon-to-be-released film that’s one big compilation of Russian road rage incidents. Described as being “as much humor as tragedy” by director Dmitry Kalashnikov, the film is a long montage of all the best that the internet has to offer. Seriously, that’s what this movie is, as reviews note the total absence of additional commentary and music in it. It’s nothing but uninterrupted, unblinking folly. A “world’s greatest” of humanity’s most baffling dashcam moments, featuring such classic hits as “I’m Gonna Throw This Hammer At You” by Old Angry Guy …

… and “Look, Perfectly Everything’s On Fire” by Satan, Probably 😛 TAGEND

Not sure I get a referendum, but if we had to show aliens merely one cinema, I feel like this should be the one. It’s clearly the only way to guarantee their total, unconditional surrender.

5

Downsizing — Matt Damon Shrinks Himself

Everyone, on the count of three, I’d like you to say aloud what you wish( in your fucking nerve) to be the first thing that greets you in Heaven. You ready?

One …

Two …

Three!

You said “Tiny Matt Damon, ” didn’t you? You all said that. Well guess what? You don’t have to wait for that inevitable pulmonary embolism to get your wish, because the director of Nebraska and The Descendants is making a movie about precisely that. And what’s more delightful and shocking is that the movie is coming out this goddamn Christmas .

You’re gonna notice a few things from that image. Number one: All the sweaters are amazing . This is peak sweater-wearing. Number two: Matt Damon and Kristen Wiig are looking at itty people seemingly living in a hyperbaric deli tray. Based on nothing besides that one image, how severely do you already want to see this? And what if I told you that the tiny people were played by Laura Dern, Neil Patrick Harris, Maribeth Monroe, and Jason Sudeikis? Because they super are. This is all good news.

If you’re wondering, the movie is about a service that offers a high-luxury life to middle-class people, simply by reducing their size. It induces appreciation, right? The route talking Disney mice work off a cheese-and-crumb economy, smaller people involve fewer resources and therefore can render more scaled-down space. A $20 dollhouse to us gigantos is a millionaire mansion to them.

The film follows a working-class pair selling off their assets to live in “Leisure Land, ” a tiny housing community where a little runs a long way. While the new trailer shows some of the awesome details, ten minutes were screened at CinemaCon, presenting Damon and Wiig as they undergo the shrink process, which involves shaving off all their body whisker and removing any foreign metals …

… and then scooping them up with spatulas and jump-starting their new life of luxury dollhouses and comically oversized orgy drinking.

The rest of the cinema remains a delightful mystery, and frankly could go in any goddamn guidance. Holding the administrator, for all we are aware, the rest of the narrative is a sorrowful look at middle age and the struggles of matrimony … only tiny.

4

Strange Nature — An “Eco-Thriller” About Scary Mutant Animals

While mutated reptiles are typically pretty cold and crave nothing more than to share in our delicious Italian eateries, amphibians are a whole different narrative. You give Mr. Toad a Big Gulp of anomalous sludge, and you best prepare for the ensuing Frogtown cataclysm. That’s only a reality. And no farther is this scientific actuality investigated than in the upcoming Strange Nature , a self-described “eco-thriller” about the dangers of real-life deformed frogs. And when I say “real-life, ” I’m of course talking about the unexplained 1995 epidemic of people reporting mutated frogs throughout Minnesota.

Director and special effects makeup artist Jim Ojala grew up in that area, and was inspired to build a grotesque cinematic tribute theorizing what the fuck is happen if such a problem extended into other wildlife. Holding that his past influences credits span everything from early Troma to a Hellboy film, I’d say he’s the right boy for the job. I intend, look at some of the behind-the-scenes stills from this film 😛 TAGEND

Tremendous. With such disgusting being job, this films sure is a reminder of The Thing , if the Antarctic horror took place in accordance with the rules less habitable context of goddamned Minnesota. According to the official website, the plot follows a woman and her child was necessary to fend off the spreading frogpocalypse can be attributed to environmental damage. And don’t fret, if caring for Mother Nature doesn’t get you going, the POV monster chases promised in the trailer is certainly splooge your disgusting fright glands.

3

Lowlife Pulp Fiction , But With A Lucha Libre Mask

Now that he’s two movies away from no longer dedicating a shit, someone is gonna have to be this generation’s gritty Tarantino director. While my fund has and will always be on a Ron Howard renaissance of violent nihilism, it’s probably time to seek out some other contenders.

Ryan Prows is one such challenger, as his new cinema Lowlife has been heavily described as being “Tarantino-esque” by critics who have witnessed its limited screenings. While I can’t personally make a judgement on that( likewise, comparing directors to their closest tonal processors seems dumb ), there’s surely a face-value uniqueness to Lowlife ‘s trailer. Determine if you are able place which faces including with regard to have such value …

The Salt Company

The Salt Company

The Salt Company
“It’s gonna be a maze when it’s done.”

That’s right, all of them . All of the faces are amazing, and offer the wide-ranging range of odd scubwad. You got your lucha mask sociopath, your retired porn producer mustache … everything all the way to happy Nazi face. Appear how happy that humankind is to have a swastika on his face. It’s as if the Fuhrer himself whispered good-natured nothings into every breeze that passed his Nazi ears.

In case you care about the plot, the movie follows a series of weaving vignettes featuring such colorful characters as a rascal ICE agent and the failed son of a legendary luchador named El Monstruo. This humankind never removes his mask and is hilariously prone to blackout bouts of serious violence. According to critics, his rage sequences often start with a high-pitched whine before cutting to him surrounded by penalized corpses, like he’s Jason Voorhees on a Robitussin bender.

It’s violence, definitely. Stupid, mean-spirited violence that includes but isn’t limited to sexuality slavery and skull-imploding. If that sort of thing gets your foot in the door, then I highly recommend giving this macabre bastard a whirl.

2

Woodshock — Kirsten Dunst+ Grief+ Psychedelic Drugs

That Kirsten Dunst is a strange egg. She’s humped around with Spider-Man and took part in a folksy vehicular murder in Fargo , but ever has time to do the really weird movies in between — your Melancholia s and such. I bet she’s really into sculpture welding in real life.

Woodshock is the latter, weirdo type of vehicle. Coming out later this month, the movie apparently took times to build, and is the first movie by Kate and Laura Mulleavy, who happen to be fashion designers. On newspaper, that voices just … merely the worst. But if you’re like me and enjoy watching a good artwork cinema every now and then, the trailer is simply aces. Just pure beautiful nonsense.

Look at that trippy shit. It’s the type of dark ambient prowes you’ll instantaneously regret taking acid to. I love it.

Coming from studio A24( Ex Machina , Enemy , Under The Skin , The Rover , Room , The Witch , Green Room , The Lobster , Moonlight , It Comes At Night , THE LIST GROWS EVERY YEAR ), the movie is apparently about a young lady in severe mourning who turns to a strong cannabinoid substance to ease her emotional sorenes. Her sorrow is then visualized in psychedelic woodsy sequences, as if Bob Ross painted on mescaline.

Just to level with you, I have no idea if this movie has a coherent plot. For all I know, it might be the Slytherin love child of Lars von Trier and Terrence Malick. If that’s not your particular pouch, then you might want to hold off on this one. But for the rest of you brave soldiers looking for some kind of woodland grief Fantasia , it’s time to get the inferno in line.

1

Slice — Chance The Rapper Plays A Werewolf Delivery Man

OK guys, this film has more mystique around it than Magneto’s junk. It is a puzzle of a film, supposedly coming out this year, but merely evidenced by a single clip of footage tweeted by Chance the Rapper. Behold all the visual evidence that this movie exists 😛 TAGEND

THAT’S IT! That’s the whole damn clip! It then cuts to an A24 logo( which you have probably realise I have a major hard-on for at this level ), and we’re left meditating what the hell is we just ascertain. Well, I did a bit more digging, and determined Exhibit B to be this radical goddamn poster 😛 TAGEND

So now we know two things: 1) It’s called Slice , and 2) Chance the Rapper plays a motorcycle delivery person. We also know that it’s directed by Chance’s music video collaborator Austin Vesely, was hit in Chicago, and features How Did This Get Made ‘s Paul Scheer. That’s all awesome, but so far it’s not quite enough to wag your tits at — but we’re also not done by a long shot. It turns out that back in 2015, Vesely gave an interview about the early conception for a movie based on a George Saunders novella. In that interview, he described a character named Dax Lycander, a Chinese meat deliveryman who lives in an alternate world where “supernatural elements” are “accepted as reality.” Such components include things like ghosts who are “basically part of the fabric of the government” and melonfucking werewolves. Chance the Rapper was named to be playing Dax — who, by the way, is a werewolf himself.

Oh, and somehow the weirdest part of all: The administrator described it as a “plot-driven” story inspired by Paul Thomas Anderson’s Magnolia , only “goofier.” What the goddamn hell is this movie, guys. It has werewolves and ghosts, but is also story-focused and silly. Is this a Harry Potter spinoff? Why are we get so little information about it? How is the world not talking exclusively about this? I don’t care what horrible news is happening in the world when you read this, if #ChanceTheMysteryWerewolf isn’t trending on Twitter, then I’ve lost all faith in this country.

If you’re Chance the Rapper or Paul Scheer, please tell David what the hell this movie is about on his Twitter .

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