In the hedonistic quest for pleasure, humankind has developed some amazing things: the reclining massage chair, Netflix, mojitos and, of course, putting your sexy components on someone else’s sexy parts and jiggling them about until frothy. Yes, as a species, we are super good at blocking out the fright of “the worlds” with minor indulgences that induce you feel somewhat damn good. And you may be excited to learn that there are those amongst us who haven’t rested on their sticky laurels, either. Some people have learnt a cavalcade of squishing and squirting and thought “I can do better! ” And of course we’re not saying these people succeeded in any way, but dammit, they’re trying.


Human Vibrator

Quick, epithet the one thing that’s incorrect with dick. Did you say that robust musk that seems to imbue locker rooms and public transit? Ha ha ha , no. You like that odor. In fact, the major drawback every wang has is that it’s mostly stationary. It’s stagnant. It sits and just is. “Look at me, I’m a weiner, ” it tells, hoping you give a shit. But do you? Do you still commit shits for weiners? If so, I know an Eastern European website you may enjoy.

In this modern age of cars with radios and televisions that broadcast in coloring, we can’t be content with the mundane, pedestrian meat whistles our grandparents enjoyed over tepid sea and stews made from carrots and rat meat. We need Rich Lee and his human vibrator, a vibrating implant that they are able to take your dong to the future where it belongs.

Lee is a guy who likes jamming things inside himself that don’t belong there and the Lovetron 9000 is something he would be willing to jam in yourself so you are able to jam it in someone else and create an ouroboros of jamtastical vibro-humpinations. Basically, it’s a vibrator that gets implanted in your real-life flesh mallet. Once in place, your hum-drum dinky doodle turns into the Buzz Lightyear of ham tubers. Suddenly, all porking is set to 11 and whatever you’re plowing in, on, against, under or through will be all a-twitter with jazzy vibrations and a vague appreciation of malaise. Have you ever tried to drink water from the far side of the glass while someone finger bangs you? It seems exactly like that.

Now you might be telling aloud in your local Starbucks, “Oh, a surgically implanted rejoice buzzer in the noggin of your albino cave dweller, that’s age-old news.” But waiting! There’s more! You can even sync the Lovetron 9000 to music so that your special someone can finally find out what it’s like to get grundle-chummed to the sexy rhythm of “Jumper” by Third Eye Blind. I wish you’d step back from that intense orgasm, my friend.

All things being equal, the only foreseeable downside to the Lovetron 9000, besides a name that, if uttered aloud, will end all chances of a serious sexual encounter, is the risk flesh-eating infection you could get from having a foreign object inserted surgically into your cookie pounder. Or maybe complications from the surgery that prevent you from ever getting an erection again. Or some kind of dickie drooling caused by a nick in the ol’ hose so that all your piss and jizz shoots out cockeyed from now on and you go off like a fire hydrant in an old-timey Brooklyn neighborhood.

mwitt1 337/ Pixabay


BJ Retainer

Hey fellas, when’s the last day your special pal your ass off by proposing another blowjob? I mean, good God, why don’t we just look at paint samples and watch Antiques Roadshow , you tedious so-and-so. Well have I got a treat for you! At long last, genius philanthropist and altruist Kuang-Yi Ku has designed a dental retainer meant to improve the experience of getting a blowjob. Not making one, because that cock socket should be happy to simply is right there, right? But man, you’re finally going to be able to sit through receiving one without nodding off or reaching for a book.

Gellinger/ Pixabay
I nearly stimulated it through Wuthering Heights the last period she attempted to “spice up the relationship.”

History is rife with reports of great boys tolerating substandard blow tasks only to appease the blowee because men are very dedicating that behavior. I can’t even count the number of days I’ve had to get my puddle-jumper tongue-tickled simply because I thought it’d cheer the other person up when they were in a funk. I’m the various kinds of guy who does that. Likewise, I can’t count the number of hours because zero isn’t technically a number, but never mind that. When I do finally get my little Hasselhoff near someone’s humid beachfront property, you better believe I’ll be doing it solely for their benefit. I’m that good. I assume.

Kuang-Yi, a former dentist became designer turned savior, was pretty distraught with the behavior orthodontia tended to focus solely on things like fixing your snaggle teeth and patching up fissures in your enamel while wholly dismissing the fact that literally everyone terminates up with a giblet stuck in their mouth at some point. It’s a brave new leap into the annals of dentistry. A student of all things dental created his hand and asked “But what about the penis? ” And the whole world listened. Here’s what it looks like( no , not in action, you pervert ):


Sex Weed

According to survey outcomes, marijuana has an awesome impact on sexuality except for where reference is totally ruins sex. It does both equally, constructing it as reliable as a political press conference. But some people swear it’s the perfect garnish to build your slamboree all it can be and more. One survey even said 67 percent of people enjoyed some puff puff pork, so maybe there’s something to it. That’s where hmbldt to come down, a frustratingly spelled company focused on health, wellness, and your groin being so goddamn mellow where reference is slips across someone else’s face that you’ll both be all “Cooooool, human! ” before discussing all the way you are able fuck a one-dollar bill.

Tama6 6/ Pixabay
“Duuuuuuude. Can you even assure the colors? Also, my erection is utterly titanic.”

Hmbldt: fervour and hmbldt: arouse are two mixes of weed meant to enhance your sexual experience with a vape pen of humptastical weed formula you dose yourself with before you dose someone else with your pluggernaut. There’s some sciencey jazz about specific formulations with THC degrees and the like, but for your portion, all you need to worry about is whether or not getting exhaustively baked stiffens something other than your upper lip.

Once you’ve taken the plunge, you need to find a cavern which could be used to embed your spelunker( or the reverse, depending on biology and personal interest) and then only make the most of it. I managed to find a review online that recommends you are able to get high use it and when you have sex it feels good, but I’d hasten to add there are very few products you can use that will induce sex feel bad aside from certain specific types of hardware, hot sauce, and Tucker Carlson dolls.


Crotch Freezing

What’s the biggest drawback to your sexuality life today? Is it your unconventionally tolerable appearance? Your scientifically significant hygiene? No. It’s your hot container. Your sweaty, grimy ballsack, swinging low and lazy, leaving a salty haze in its aftermath, isn’t it? It’s a mildew-infested pendulum, and no matter what you do, it helps to turn your pencil pouch into a swamp.

Hey, don’t feel bad. On a Sunday in July, my undercarriage could poach an egg and furnish its own Hollandaise. I’m with you, boy. And together, we can all brain to Cryotherapy U.K ., a clinic in jolly ol’ England that offers something called Love Mist( which is vastly different from the thing I often call Love Mist but probably more expensive) that promises to increase endorphins and rejuvenate your bits and bobs, while simultaneously dropping them to 160 degrees below. Below what? Below deez nuts! Fist bump whatever machine you’re reading this on immediately and give me a Twitter follow because we just became a bonded life pair.

Now I know what you’re thinking: “Hey man, won’t my junk shatter at a temperature that low? ” And to that I mention “What am I, an HVAC technician? ” I’m not offering this service, someone else is and they seem to believe the answer is no, you won’t destroy your goodies. Instead, you’ll feel the same exhilaration that the Abominable Snowman seemed down below when he first laid eyes on that husky, hunky birth Yukon Cornelius. Does that beard go all the way down?

Near as I can figure, you’re not actually taking a full sub-zero plunge so much as they’re hitting liquid nitrogen through a tube at you that starts that cold but likely warms to being pleasantly cool by the time it facebutts your gonad region. There, it supposedly loosens up the blood vessels and attains your squidbilly feel all fresh and fancy-free, which I guess is -AOK.


Crotch Exercise Undies

How much do you hate your flabby, heavy-breathing, out of shape, unemployable moisture mallet? How much do other people dislike it? When’s the last period your shiftless grubkin even did anything worthwhile? That goddamn freeloader probably just lazes against your thigh like a bulbous, homemade bratwurst all day long doing but two things: jack and shit. Well no more! Watch this!

Holy balls! Is this wired underwear that connects to an app on your phone that tells you when your taint is getting too Huckabeaten? More or less, yes! VylyV are high-tech undies that will not allow your worthless Spam ferret to rest any longer. Thanks to its innovative whosits and maybe-patented whatsits, these space undies will punch and jiggle your dickhole to remind you to do some lunges or whatever the fuck you need to do to tighten up your ramburglar rubber bands. That would keep it at a respectable 80 -degree angle at all times, apparently spewing un-labeled cola like Old faithful if that video is at all accurate.

The video builds it clear you’ve probably been neglecting the ol’ squeal eel for lane too long and it is arguably the strongest muscle you should have. That’s right, fuck your biceps and quadriceps and forceps, it’s your meat muscle or nothing! Hone that thing to a Lou Ferrigno-esque powerhouse. Attain your dick so strong that if you get a boner standing in line for the bank, the person in front of you will be crippled from the waist down. Then make sure it’s recorded on your app!

I’ve never been one for “getting the app.” I find that if anything you’re selling me likewise needs an app, you fucked up stimulating your product because it now requires me to have both a device and Wi-Fi available. And yes I have those, but feed a dick for being presumptuous. You don’t go to a restaurant and stand the waiter looking at you like an moronic for not bringing your own fork and plate.

Still, accepting you’re OK with hooking up your underwear to the internet, maybe this will be the key to you buffing up your bean tickler and ensuring Captain James Tiberius Cock is ready to boldly go where who knows how many people have gone before( not that it’s any of your business .)

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