1. Instagram Caption Writer
Are you the one all your friends turn to when they need a fire Instagram caption (or are you just the only one in your friend group who knows about CapGenius)? Well then you could be making up to six figures as a celebrity social media manager, which is basically a glorified caption writer. I mean, it’s not exactly an easy job, according to E!like, could you imagine running the social media account for someone like Taylor Swift?but still, your Instagram one-liners could be paying for your third car right now, which probably beats whatever mind-numbing job you’re currently sitting at.
2. Audience Coordinator For Live Tapings
This is an entry level job, but it beats working in a mail room and getting coffee for some suited douchebags. The job description of an audience coordinator is literally to judge your audience and say “you can’t sit with us” to the ones you deem not worthy. The hotter/hipper the TV show, the more they want young, hot people in their on-camera audience. This means you’re literally judging TF out of how everyone looks, and most TV shows have codes for who sits closer to the front. If you’re ugly or fat they’ll put you in the last group to make sure nobody sees you on camera, kind of like Abercrombie and Fitch back in the day.
3. Getting Paid To Look Hot At A Bar
You can now get paid to drink at a bar or club if you’re hot enough and like, duh, you are. It’s like freshman orientation week all over again, except this time you don’t have to fight off overly grope-y promoters. There are now apps that pay you to show up to a club or bar with your hot friends and get paid to just…be there. If you call every date or hangout an “appearance”, then this is the job for you. Most of these apps will rate your behavior, so if you’re too aloof you might not be into this. But if you’re one step away from selling your used panties on Craigslist and you typically do things “for the story value,” you might want to check it out.
4. Fake Cryer
Do you say “I hate drama” but then end up crying at a bar after your fifth Red Bull vodka? You might be perfect for this gig. For some events like funerals or going away parties… I guess it’s mostly funerals… people want guaranteed sadness. That’s where the fake crying comes in. Yes, you can get hired to fake cry at events. I understand why you wouldn’t believe me, but this is literally real. On paper it sounds like it’d be pretty grim, but in reality people who do this say they actually feel like they’re doing something good, and like, that’s philanthropy points.
5. Cat Cuddler
Are you an ice queen that can’t stand human emotion but deep down you love cuddling? Then don’t worry, because you won’t risk getting overly attached by cuddling with kittens and getting paid. Shelters and rescues hire people to socialize their new kittens, and it’s probably the cutest job you’ll ever have. Fair warning, don’t get too attached and adopt all the kittens. Then you’ll just have to get another easy well-paying job and it will become a vicious cycle.
6. Vape Mixologist
Conceited betches inquire within. If you’re a mixologist, you’re a bartender. Nobody’s paying you because they care about your art, they just want to get drunk. Vape mixology adopts this same sense of self-arrogance and combines it with the one thing millennials love more than fidget spinners: vaping. Somewhere out there, there is a 12-year-old boy telling his mom, “I don’t want to go to Stanford, I want to be a vape mixologist!” And that is why we are not about having kids right now.